Quality vs Quantity: Creating Quality Connections in a Noisy World

Have you ever looked at your phone and realized you’ve been scrolling for thirty minutes, yet you feel more alone than when you started?

I recently shared a picture of "Dunbar’s Number" on my Facebook page. If you aren’t familiar with it, research shows there is a limit to how many people our brains can actually handle. It starts with a core of five—the inner circle. Then it moves to 15 (close friends), then 50, and eventually out to 1,500.

1,500 might be the number of faces you recognize, but it isn't the number of people you can truly know. My mom was a teacher, and she was amazing—she could remember students thirty years later! But even with her incredible memory, she knew that a classroom of a hundred new students every year required a different kind of bandwidth than her family at home.

It made me stop and ask: How do we build the relationships that actually matter when there is so much noise around us?

The Five and the Fifteen

If you had to trade thirty minutes of scrolling for thirty minutes of undivided attention with one person, who would it be?

Think of your Inner Five. These are your intimates—a spouse, an only child, or a friend closer than a best friend. These are the people whose dreams and fears you know. If you can’t name five, that’s okay. Start with one.

Then think of your Fifteen. These are the people who would help you move furniture or help you with a project at work. They are the ones you check in on once a month—not to talk about the weather, but to ask how they are really doing.

The Problem with "The Like"

I’m not here to "diss" social media, but we have to be honest about the algorithm. We see the same people over and over, and if their posts are too long, we don't even read them. We just hit "like" and move on.

I’ve set a new intention for myself: I’m not going to click "like" unless I’ve actually read the whole thing. Why? Because research shows a single meaningful interaction provides more dopamine—those feel-good chemicals—than twenty shallow ones. When we interact intentionally and leave a thoughtful comment, our brains feel better than when we mindlessly double-tap while our bodies are on autopilot.

The "No Electronics" Rule

We have to be intentional about our physical presence. When my grandchildren come over, they often ask, "Hey, can we watch something?"

My answer is always: "Grandma’s house is a no-electronics place." I don't want to use a screen for babysitting or to engage them without imagination. I want to go sledding. I want to go for a hike, even if we got a little hurt last time! I want to do things together with those I want relationships with, rather than whittling away those precious hours on people who aren't going to be there when my car breaks down.

Moving Past the Weather

Sometimes relationships start superficial—and that’s okay. "Superficial" just means on the surface. My sis has a neighbor in an RV park who used to try to talk with her every time she opened her door. But instead of staying annoyed, she stopped- she chatted, she pet his cat. Now, he’s a friend who helps her husband with his work, and they help him with his RV.

It started with the weather, but it grew because she put the effort in. You get out what you put in.

A Challenge for Your Week

If we try to listen to everyone, we end up hearing no one. To be more present this week, I want to encourage you to audit yourself:

1. Check your last five texts: Were they superficial? Or were they with people you want to grow closer to?

2. Trade the scroll: The next time you're bored or lonely and reach for the phone, don't just scroll. Send a video message to a friend who is far away.

3. The "Phone in the Jacket" Rule: Research shows that just having a phone on the table makes others more likely to check theirs and check out. Put it in another room. Give the person across from you the gift of your eyes and your attention.

Let’s move past the weather. Let’s learn each other's dreams. After all, what’s the point of having 1,500 "friends" if you have no one who really knows you?

What is one meaningful question you can ask someone this week to move past the surface? Share it with us in the CoJoy!