Boundaries: Puppies and Picket Fences

Having grown up in Vermont, stone walls are a common feature on most New England properties and along hiking trails. Robert Frost wrote a poem opining the folly of keeping these landmarks updated without a clear purpose. However, his neighbor insisted without much explanation, "Good fences make good neighbors." The following is an excerpt from Robert Frost's "Mending Wall."

Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out

Although their original purpose has diminished, these New England boundaries are still protected by state laws and serve to demarcate responsibilities.

I always like to start with a common ground of the words we discuss in these posts. Today, we need to be on the same page of what the definition is for boundaries.

Boundary: a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

The psychological definition of boundary: A conceptual limit defining your individuality, separating your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from those of others, and establishing your limits for what you will tolerate in a relationship. These boundaries are personal rules or guidelines that help you maintain self-respect, safety, and well-being by dictating acceptable interactions. 

No where in the definition does it state that a boundary has to say “NO,” which is a common belief in our society. Boundaries can deepen trust and connection. They aren’t about shutting people out-they’re about showing people how to respect your values and priorities.

When I discuss this with my clients, I've talked about my emotions and my thoughts as my puppies inside of a picket fence. A picket fence with a gate-how inviting is that? It’s not about shutting people out with barbed wire or brick walls, it’s about creating a space where you feel safe, respected, and in control of who gets to step in. That’s a game-changer because it shifts the narrative from boundaries being about rejection to boundaries being about connection—on your terms.

And when I invite somebody in to interact with my puppies, but they aren't kind or try to hurt my puppies, then it's time to close the gate and create some space to be able to communicate my needs, desires, and expectations.

This metaphor captures the tenderness of our inner world-our emotions, our thoughts, our dreams. They’re precious, they’re alive, and they need care just like puppies. When someone steps into that space and doesn’t treat them with kindness or respect, it’s okay to close the gate-it’s actually necessary! That’s self-respect in action.

Boundaries are an act of self-love and self-respect. It’s not about being harsh or cold, it’s about saying, “Hey, this is my space, and I welcome those who honor it.” That’s powerful.

The metaphor uses a gate. It’s not a high wall. It’s not a fortress. It’s a gate that you control. That’s the magic of it. You’re saying, “I’m open to connection, but only if it’s safe and nurturing.” That’s a powerful message for people to hear because it reframes boundaries as an act of love-not just for yourself, but for the people who truly deserve to be in your life.

Furthermore, boundaries are the ultimate safeguard against manipulation. They are what allow us to pause, reflect, and ask, “Am I saying yes because it aligns with my values and goals? Or am I saying yes because I feel pressured, guilty, or afraid of conflict?” That’s where the real power of boundaries comes in-they give us the space to choose intentionally, instead of reacting emotionally.

Journal Prompt:

Reflect on who asked you for something, why you said yes or no, and whether the outcome was positive or negative. You may start to see patterns. Do you say yes out of obligation, fear of conflict, or even just habit? And when you see the effect of your response-whether it drained you or aligned with your values-that’s where the clarity comes in. That’s where the change in your thinking can change your life!

In my life coaching sessions we dive deeper into this topic with assertive communication to help share our thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. Let me know if you want to learn to be assertive- sign up for a free 60 minute assessment. You too can change your thinking and change your life!

Book recommendations:   

Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan, 1992.

Katherine, Anne. Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day. Touchstone, 2000.