Who's the Boss, Applesauce? Communicating with Assertiveness

Can you remember the last time you were the boss of your feelings and reactions? When did you last decide how you wanted to show up in a difficult situation and then felt proud of yourself? If you are like most people, it has not even occurred to you to think that way.  In the stream of life, people often passively sit in their rowboat without having their hands on the oars. We go down the river and wonder why we keep hitting the rocks and branches of difficult interactions when we desperately want to get to the other side! Maybe we don’t even see the other shore and question if these rocky relationships could ever smooth out into peaceful beaches. This is where assertive communication comes in! We need to know who we want to be before we can figure out how to get where we want to go…

Do I want to be a People Pleaser, a Demanding Bully, or an Empowered Responder? Here’s the first challenge…you need to look at what you are doing rather than how others are responding. You choose how to get through those turbulent waters by being self-aware of where your boat is, how you are using those oars, and what you want to feel. Sit back with an open mind, and let’s talk about three basic types of communication. In this way, we can deconstruct our part in relationships to then be part of the solution to get to the peaceful side. When we take apart our reactions to understand the underlying reasons, reveal hidden assumptions, flaws, or biases, we show that our personality and interactions are not fixed. We can choose our path by getting clarity and a higher perspective rather than staying caught up in the rapids that we have found ourselves in.

Passive Communication is often called people-pleasing because the person prioritizes the needs, wants, and feelings of others; maybe they don’t think they are as valuable and deserving as other people. The person does not express, let alone stand up for, what they need. Does this sound like you? This behavior can come from a lack of self-worth or self-respect and leads to being taken advantage of, even by well-meaning people. The People Pleaser’s may fear other people’s reactions if they share their thoughts or needs. IF you often act in the following ways, you might be a People Pleaser: Soft spoken / quiet · Prioritizing the needs of others · Have poor eye contact / looking down or away · Not expressing your own needs or wants · Lacking confidence.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Aggressive Communication, which I call a Demanding Bully: a person who expresses that only their own needs, wants, and feelings matter. Do you see your interactions going like this? · Easily frustrated · Speaking in a loud or overbearing way · Unwilling to compromise · Use criticism, humiliation, and domination · Frequently interrupt or do not listen · Disrespectful toward others? It’s difficult to admit this to ourselves. Demanding Bullies may feel like they know better than others what needs to be done, they may try to control out of fear that bad things could result if not done the way they think is best, or they are only thinking about their needs being met. Do you see yourself in this list? Remember to keep your eyes on your own boat while we talk!

Finally, the Empowered Responder is the one we want to see in our reflection when we look over the side of the boat. Assertive Communication emphasizes the importance of both people’s needs. During assertive communication, a person stands up for their own needs, wants, and feelings, but also listens to and respects the needs of others.  Assertive communication is defined by confidence, and a willingness to compromise. When we choose to be an Empowered Responder, we respect ourselves and others; we choose to listen without interruption, clearly state our needs and wants, and express willingness to compromise while standing up for our own rights. Are you showing in a confident tone and body language that you are just as valuable and worthy of respect and giving respect to others?

Journal Prompt:

What relationships come to mind where you could be less aggressive or passive and more assertive? Think of a recent interaction you’ve had and take a moment to think through the actual problem, not the other person. Think for a minute about how you could use the phrases listed below to get your thoughts and feelings across while showing respect to the other person.

                *I Feel…(make sure to use an emotion, not a thought)

                *I Need…

                *I Want…

As you practice these phrases, you may find some push-back from the people around you, and this can be uncomfortable. It’s like we’ve been stuck in the branches of a tree submerged in the river, and it takes effort to get extracted from the normal feeling of unworthiness or fear. As you do, you will find strength to paddle to the healthy happy shore of better relationships and find joy in the new way of relating!

I’ve been stuck in both of those negative ways of communicating and have been able to create better relationships through improving my understanding of my own self-worth and respecting others. In our coaching sessions, we explore more areas to develop clarity and understanding to create the life you can enjoy! Let me know if you want to take that step and activate your best life; sign up for a free strategy call with the link by the posts. You too can change your thinking and change your life!

Book recommendations:   

Cloud, Henry, and John Sims Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan, 2017. 

Parrott, Les, and Judah Smith. Bad Thoughts: A Preacher and a Shrink's Guide to Reclaiming Your Mind and Soul. Zondervan, 2025.