Christmas is coming - What do you REALLY want?

Seeing Your True Desires

The Gap and The Choice

The focus of this session is: What do you really want? A lot of times, there’s a gap between what we think we need and what we truly desire. With Christmas coming, it means advent, a time of expectation. This is what we will be thinking about today: an expectation for next year or an expectation for a dream that we have.

The Story of Bob

There was a story that I read, and I adapted it a little bit. There was a man who was disabled. We’ll call him Bob. He hung out at a free clinic waiting to get a turn to get the medicine he thought could help him. This was in a little country, not as organized as it is here. People would cut in line and push ahead to get the support that Bob so desperately needed. He actually never got to go inside and wound up despairing. He didn't even bother trying anymore.

Day after day, Bob sat outside, depending on food and support that strangers would drop off. He looked longingly at the clinic, wishing someone would have helped him get to the front of the line to be seen. Sometimes he even got angry at his family for not coming by to help him, even though he knew they were struggling with their own hard circumstances.

Eventually, the clinic itself ran out of funds and medicine, but people kept trying to get in, but Bob never even got close.

After many years had passed, a traveling health worker saw the pitiful state of this man and brought some much-needed medicine and braces he hoped Bob could use to get healthy again. When the medic approached, he asked, "What do you need? What's wrong?" Bob immediately looked at the clinic and asked, "Are you going to help me to get to the front of the line?"

The medic was confused and said, "No, they can't help you." Bob was heartbroken once more. Why would this man ask what he needed? Obviously, he needed to get in the clinic.

Adapted from the story of the lame man at the Pool of Bethesda (John 5:1-9), this story prompts us to think about Bob’s internal struggle. His response wasn't a "yes" to healing; it was a complaint about his constraint and a reliance on a system. He was focused on what he thought he needed to do in order to get where he wanted to go. He couldn’t see that the source of his hope wasn’t in a place or a circumstance; he needed a person. His core desire for healing was paralyzed by his immediate, practical problem—lack of a specific helper rather than the new opportunity presented in a traveling health worker.

My Example

I lived this same constraint. When I was raising my first two boys, I was very focused on the outer desire for perfection and a happy family so that we’d be accepted. I wasn't so shallow that I wanted people to think we were happy and have my family pretend.

But when they were teens, we adopted three kids from this area. I became even more controlling and unreasonable. The underlying anxiety and fear crept in because I had been hurt as a child and I didn't want them to get hurt.

I didn't know how to change. I wanted my kids to be happy. I wanted to have fun. But I created an unbearable living situation and became the one who ended up being rejected and alone due to my actions.

I came to understand that what I wanted was a perfect family so others wouldn't hurt my kids like I had been hurt. But in the process, I ended up finding out they'd been hurt anyways by others, and by myself. My fear and external goal created the opposite of my true, internal desire for love and safety.

Sometimes the struggle we have with other people isn't necessarily the real problem. It’s not the desire to have people pick up their laundry and help out around the house. Maybe the bigger goal is to be happy and to enjoy life. Next week I will share how I was able to grow through the challenge and say yes to life again!

Shifting the Focus: Solution-Focused Prompts

The choice is "What do I really want?" instead of the negative, "What am I willing to settle for?"

Instead of focusing on the specific problem, establish your goal in positive terms: "What are your best hopes for this situation?" It’s okay to be unrealistic; be outlandish with your answer. It helps you to imagine possibilities and think outside the box. Remember, unrealistic is okay because it helps us get to the root desire we want.

The Clue: How Would You Know?

Now, thinking through your life, what is something that you really desire? What is something that if it happened by the end of next week, you’d be like, "Yes!" Think about it. Get it in your head.

How would you know you got it? What would be different? Pause and write this down! It’s so important that I’m going to reiterate it.

What would be Different?! 

This is something a friend, Corinne, helped me with: a vision board. Sometimes we need a picture of what we think we desire. We need to be able to envision it with our eyes. We need to be able to imagine what the future could be like. And it's okay to be unrealistic! It helps us to think outside the box.

Let’s start with a dream. Let’s start with what would be different in our lives a year from now if we got what we wanted. Using your five senses:

• What would you see and touch around you that would be different? An updated kitchen with no leaks and a glass of ice tea from the icemaker? 

• What would you hear that would be different than what you have right now? If it’s work, maybe it's happy greetings instead of bickering amongst the co-workers.

• What would you smell or taste? D you want to live overseas? You would be tasting foods from another country.

The Vision and Reflection

Sometimes we get so focused on a specific outcome that we miss the real transformation that could be right in front of us—a little shift we can make right now.

To deepen this, ask yourself:

1. "What is the real source of my hope or healing?" We must look beyond our immediate circumstances or systems (like a closed medical clinic or a perfect family) and consider the deeper desire that would make the steps 

2. "If I let go of my current expectations, what new possibilities might I see?" This challenges us to release our attachment to specific outcomes and open the door to unexpected opportunities. Shifting our perspective from what we think we need to what we really desire allows for a broader vision of what’s possible.