We were not created to live in despair

If we don’t have hope of things changing, we stop trying to improve. If we did that with our homes, we would be living in derelict housing and get physically hurt by the disrepair. The same thing is true for our relationships, our health, our hearts, and our minds.  If we despaired of our health improving, we would stop taking care of our bodies-I’m sure you can picture someone like that. You’ve heard of older people willing themselves to die…they have no hope for their future, and it literally kills them. Relationships suffer when we give up; despair leads our minds into negative thinking, and our hearts spiral into depression or anxiety. Hope separates us from the animal kingdom in that we can envision a different future from the present. We can dream or despair.

I’ve had a client (let’s call him Bob) tell me that he despaired of things ever improving in his home with his kids. During the conversation about his parenting struggles, we recognized that the situation needed to be seen from a different perspective. Just because we don’t know how to create the change, doesn’t mean it can’t!

When we think about hopeless situations, we need to look at the principles we use for other areas and apply it to improving the present one. I asked Bob how he would address a leaking water pipe if the first three things he tried didn’t work. Would he just despair of it getting better? Would he allow the leak to destroy the kitchen cabinets and flooring because he didn’t have the answer or ability to repair it himself? No! There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. Bob would have reached out to a friend to get advice. If that didn’t solve it, he would ask a professional plumber; and if the first plumber wasn’t versed in his type of problem, he would seek a different one.

Perhaps Bob was listening to his culture that believed kids should be seen and not heard, or that teenagers will be teenagers (unruly, rude, emotional wrecks…). If Bob and his kids listened to the voice of his community, he would expect the teens to be wild and irresponsible, which doesn’t open them up to the great possibility of being anything else. Our expectations can create realities.

Instead of listing everything you’ve tried, let’s think about other angles of the struggle. What is your expectation? What is your desired outcome? What is the other person’s struggle and their desired outcome? Who has gone through this process and has wisdom to share? In order to get clarity and make progress, I discuss these questions and helped Bob define a new path and increase the hope he has for a better future!

In my life coaching session on INFLUENCE, we dive deeper into this topic with practical application and role-playing to solidify the change in our thinking from nagging to loving communication. Let me know if you want to make that shift in your own life by reaching out by phone or text: 980-272-8041 or signing up for the 12 week program with the link on this page. You too can change your thinking and change your life!

Book recommendations:  

Batterson, Mark. If: Trading Your If Only Regrets for God's What If Possibilities. Baker Books, 2016. 

Kruger, Melissa B. Parenting with Hope: Raising Teens for Christ in a Secular Age. Harvest House Publishers, 2024. 

Shrier, Abigail. Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren't Growing Up. Swift Press, 2024.