Thinking Rightly About Yourself

Bob (a hypothetical client made up from anecdotes) is frustrated that as much as he tries, he can’t stop the intrusive thoughts that come from a lifetime of poor choices and looking at things he shouldn’t. Carol also struggles with the negative thoughts that keep her home instead of living life and enjoying new experiences. They both have thoughts that cause them to spiral into self-doubt and deprecation. The struggle is real! For years, Bob has been making different choices to be a faithful husband and create a positive home life. What would you do?

The first thing I do in each session is to ask them to recognize some wins from the past week. Why? Well, for most people, we aren’t raised to praise ourselves, to be proud of the little things that add up to the good we do. We often hear parents, educators, and even bosses say, “You could do better, work harder, try again, keep moving.” Those are not bad in themselves, unless criticism and naysaying are all that is said to us. Our religious teachings tell us not to praise ourselves, but to be humble, which is also good until taken to the extreme.   

However, what we fail to hear and do is have integrity in being honest with ourselves about how hard we are trying and how much good we have been doing. Even 1%, if it’s a change for the better, can help propel us into a better mindset and improve our lives. The religious texts also say not to think more highly of your self than you ought… but that doesn’t mean put yourself down! Be realistic! We are to encourage one another, build each other up, and treat others the way we want to be treated. Loving others like we love ourselves would not look very good if we talked to others the way we talk to ourselves!

So, let’s get practical…Integrity is a great place to start is the subject of the first post I wrote for this blog (you can review it before or after we finish this discussion to get the complete picture). To quickly review, integrity is being CONSCIOUS, CONSISTENT, and CONGRUENT: to be in alignment with our beliefs and actions; but we need to have integrity in our thoughts as well! Shifting our thinking from negative thoughts begins with self-awareness of our thoughts and emotions You can check out the previous posts to get more clarity on how to do that: What’s Truer, How to Kill the Ants, and Letting It Go. When you catch your thoughts, you can then make them work for you! When you are honest with yourself about the thoughts, then you can have integrity by choosing to deny or keep them according to what’s true.

The analogy that seems to work is to consider those negative, intrusive thoughts as monsters trying to take over your life. You can either feed them your energy by focusing on them or starve them by shifting your focus and energy on what’s truer about yourself. This is the place where integrity is hard for people. Can you be honest with yourself about your shortcomings? Sure! But can you be honest about the ways you are improving? It’s hard to see it up close and in the moment. That’s where journaling can help!  When you have a choice to choose something that is a challenge, then we build the integrity muscle by being intentional and following through. Writing down the little wins every day allows you to look back and see, “I’m not as bad as I think I am in the moment.” Repetition of our positive actions and thoughts can rewire you brain! 

Bob was able to recognize that just because the thought comes into his head, it isn’t who he is now! He can repeat the truth of being faithful, thinking about his lovely bride and their happy life, rather than go down the path of guilt and shame. Our past is behind us; Bob has to practice forgiving himself daily by recognizing he is not acting or hurting others in the present. Carol can now recognize that other people’s opinions are not hers to control, so she can live in a loving way and accept her quirky self as deserving of respect and kindness just like others. This starves the intrusive thought monsters, and the self-defeating thoughts become fewer and less powerful with every integris action she takes. That is the way to create joy and peace.

In my life coaching session on Psychology, we dive deeper into this topic with more clarity to understand how you can move into the person you are becoming rather than believing the past poor choices are all you can do. Let me know if you want to make that shift to activate your best self; you can reach me by phone or text: 980-272-8041 or drop me a private note with the email form below. You too can change your thinking and change your life!

Book recommendations:  

Amen, Tana. The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child: How Persistence, Grit, and Faith Created a Reluctant Healer. Thomas Nelson, 2021.

Groeschel, Craig. Winning the War in Your Mind: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Zondervan, 2021.